I love watching football with my wife. About as much as she loves watching home improvement shows with me.
Please tell me there are women out there who don't snicker every time the play-by-play guy mentions the tight end. And that there are still others who don't wonder why the opposing team is hitting a player behind the goal line even though it's a safety.
This isn't tag, dear. The goal post is not a safety zone the way the lamppost used to be when we were growing up, just a few short decades ago.
Here is some advice that most married men already know, but some newlyweds might not be aware of yet: If you have to leave the room for a minute or so to hit the head, grab a beer or let the dog out, do not, under any circumstances, ask your spouse what happened while you were gone.
I made that mistake recently. She said the referee (a replacement one, undoubtedly) had made a pitiful call. She could not elaborate what the call was, just that the announcer said it was pitiful.
Confused, I scrolled back far enough to see the play and hear the announcer say it was a “pivotal” call. Not pitiful, pivotal! Thank goodness for DVRs. Were I married to Emily Litella, that would have been the perfect time for her to say, “Oh. That's different. Never mind.”
I'll get even, though, the next time I am conned into watching one of those riveting design shows featuring gorgeous interior decorators and better-looking construction workers than have ever tracked mud through your kitchen.
While my wife is trying to concentrate on the show, I will ask her to explain, in intricate detail, exactly what “wainscoting” is. Tag, you're it, dear.