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The Cheap Shots New Year's resolutions are in, with uplifting suggestions all around.
These are meant as helpful goals for each of these sports figures, and are delivered with all the sincerity of a Jason Kidd spilled drink, a Mike Tomlin accidental wandering onto the playing field and a Ryan Braun press release apology.
Without further ado:
Dennis Rodman should vow to sell a revival of the 1970s show “Fantasy Island,” renamed “Crazy Train,” to feature Rodman and North Korea dictator Kim Jong Un. Rodman will play the Ricardo Montalban character and Kim Jong Un will play the Herve Villechaize role, ironically named “Tattoo.”
Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder should vow to end the controversy over his team's nickname by selling a portion of the team to Disney, and cross-promoting with the "Star Wars" movie franchise to rename the team the Washington RG3POs.
Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay should vow to count to 1,374,754 before deciding to push send on a tweet and twice that if it's about Peyton Manning.
Lance Armstrong should vow to get on his bicycle, start peddling and stop as soon as he finds someone who still wants to listen to his rationalizations.
Chicago Bears fans should vow to stop cursing Jay Cutler. OK, limit their cursing to once a game. OK, once a half. OK, once a quarter. OK, Chicago Bears fans should vow to take up scrapbooking.
NFL referees should vow to always decide which way calls should go AFTER they actually look at the replays.
ESPN "SportsCenter" anchors should vow to really step up the use of puns, cultural references and lame attempts at humor.
NFL announcers should vow to point out that Peyton Manning was released by the Colts after neck surgery, in case someone didn't hear the first 54,000 “back-story” explanations.
Someone, anyone, should vow to explain the appeal of Keith Olbermann so even I could understand.
Alex Rodriguez should vow to persuade media and fans to stop calling him A-Rod and instead refer to him as A-Guy Who Used To Be Able To Hit When He Was Juiced.
The Chicago Cubs should vow to give their fans the reward they've been waiting to receive for more than 100 years: A stadium that doesn't smell like beer and urine.
Chicago Cubs manager Rick Renteria should vow to keep the team in contention for a new record length of time, and then celebrate May Day.
Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Yasiel Puig should vow to not be caught driving 110 mph in 2014. His goal should be 120 mph, minimum.
Johnny Manziel should vow to legally change his name to Johnny Football as soon as he is taken in the NFL Draft. Then, after he signs his contract, he should vow to change it to Johnny Money Football. Then, simply, The Dude.
Retired Baltimore Ravens linebacker and conspiracy theorist Ray Lewis should vow to get to the bottom of the great post-Super Bowl mystery: They paid Joe Flacco how much?
The Boston Red Sox should vow to sign Andrew Luck's beard for the playoffs next year.