For more shameless sarcasm, follow Reggie Hayes via Twitter at www.twitter.com/reggiehayes1.
Chicago Cubs owner Tom Ricketts announced he will go back to his original Wrigley Field renovation plan, adding additional seating, new lighting and a 2,400-square-foot video board in right field. No other radical changes, such as fielding a competitive team, are expected.
The Los Angeles Dodgers have released Miguel Olivo, who bit off part of teammate Alex Guerrero's ear during a dugout fight while playing for Triple-A Albuquerque. Olivo should have known better. Dodgers clubhouse policy clearly states no fighting or snacking during games.
The Jacksonville Jaguars plan to sit first-round quarterback pick Blake Bortles for his rookie season to allow him to learn the nuances of the NFL game. He'll watch film, analyze plays and help carry Chad Henne off the field when he's blasted by J.J. Watt and Jadeveon Clowney.
Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh said he chose to go to the Lions with the No.2 pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, implying there were other options on the table. Presumably, he was persuaded to say yes to the Lions because of their rich history of success. Or the money.
The Los Angeles Times reported that Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling tried to mislead the NBA during its investigation of racist remarks he made on an audio recording. I hesitate to say no one supports Sterling at this point, but Satan released a statement clarifying they have never met.
Iowa State coach Fred Hoiberg has signed 7-foot-1 Georgios Tsalmpouris from Veria, Greece, a member of the Greek national team. Hoiberg was very impressed by several factors, all of which were related to Tsalmpouris being 7-1.
Notre Dame decided to sell 2-foot-by-5-foot rolls of its football stadium turf for $149.95. They guaranteed two-day shipping and a certificate of authenticity. Unfortunately, the package does not include marriage counseling for husbands whose wives find out they've spent $150 on used turf.
NBA analyst and former player Charles Barkley says he thinks LeBron James should return to the Cleveland Cavaliers when he becomes a free agent again. In a related story, Barkley will not be vacationing in Miami.
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he believes rock star Jon Bon Jovi would be an “outstanding” owner if he bought the Buffalo Bills. Plus, if the Bills ever get the Super Bowl, Bon Jovi could save a ton of money on the halftime act.