Sara Stein dreads having to till the garden next spring. When one of her three children needed a new bike kickstand, the children didn't want her to fix it.
Those are jobs that would usually be done by Paul Stein, husband and father.
And he's not here. He's an Army National Guard staff sergeant serving his second yearlong deployment in America's War on Terror - first in Iraq, now in Afghanistan.
But because Sara Stein and other military spouses are here, forced to face a variety of emotional and physical challenges alone, a support group called Common Threads has been created to help fill the void.
“I'm struggling, but it helps to see that there are other people in the same boat,” said Stein, 38, referring to the group started by Lutheran Military Veterans and Families Ministries Inc. of Fort Wayne, with the help of volunteer Ann Smith, a licensed clinical social worker. The fact that Paul Stein is serving with a Hammond-based infantry unit makes the separation even harder, because so few of the unit's families live nearby to provide support.
Smith said she was eager to help because counseling military couples in her private practice exposed her to the unique challenges military service can present to marriages and families. “One man said, ‘I'm a trained killer,' and it terrified (his wife). I thought, ‘Wow - we have a real problem here.'”
Leslie Haines witnessed those problems firsthand while serving at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and in Iraq - and founded the Lutheran organization to help. An earlier attempt to meet with spouses attracted little interest, but Haines and Smith hope the free child care provided by Resurrection Lutheran Church in Huntertown will make it easier for “single parents” to attend.
When Stein's husband of 12 years returned from Iraq last year, he began to struggle with depression, volunteering for a second tour after losing his job in the recreational-vehicle industry. And every time she does something her husband would have done - even mowing the lawn - she is reminded of his absence, and how he won't return for another eight months.
Donna Cotter, whose husband James was deployed as a chaplain for two years and helped inspire Haines to start the organization, said talking with others can help spouses cope with “having their whole life turned upside down. It will never get back to the way it was. There's a ‘new normal.'”
Even though most military spouses left at home are women, Haines and Smith said men are welcome to attend meetings - as are parents and others. “Sharing the difficulties and challenges in a safe place with others who are experiencing similar challenges is one of the greatest gifts we can offer,” Smith said. “Participants find they are not alone.”
And, despite the adversity, Sara Stein would not have it any other way. “I'd encourage my kids to join the military,” she said. “Paul was meant to be a soldier.”
