January sucks. Not the January issue of the magazine, which is excellent. But the month itself. And it is not even January’s fault.

Toward the end of December, you are pressured to do two things: Get stinking drunk on New Year’s Eve and start figuring out all the ways you have failed in the previous 11 months and 30 days so you can devise a master plan for improving in all areas. 

For some reason, these two objectives aren’t widely seen as paradoxical. So, there you are on January 1: Hungover, staring out the window at a bleak winter landscape and trying to devise a master plan for improving in all areas.

It is any wonder that people hate January. Poor January. It did nothing to deserve this. 

All year, gurus tell you to “live in the moment” and suddenly they tell you to look back at all those moments when you were living in the moment for signs that you were too much in the moment to realize that you were screwing up most of those moments.

What do gurus know anyway? Anyone with the temerity to market himself as one of the world’s foremost experts on taking fearless personal inventories is clearly someone who hasn’t taken a fearless personal inventory. 

New Year’s Day was invented by a Norwegian man named Newell Jarlsdale, probably, to celebrate the coming of the new year. Nothing against Newell, but wouldn’t you rather celebrate Old Year’s Day? Wouldn’t you rather congratulate yourself for surviving an old year rather than spend a day (or a month … or several months) strongly suspecting that you don’t have what it takes to thrive in a new one?

Is there a worse holiday tradition than making up resolutions? Don’t say photos of families in matching pajamas. That doesn’t come close. 

New Year’s Day is like what April Fool’s Day would be if you pranked yourself. Whoever is in charge of
New Year’s Day really should make a New Year’s resolution to make it a better holiday. 

New Year’s Day isn’t really a holiday about how great you are going to be. It’s a holiday about what a disappointment you are. Well, I am no guru (my application to guru school was rejected because I didn’t have enough Instagram followers). But I am here to tell you that you are not a disappointment. Unless you are a criminal. 

The only people who should be writing up New Year’s resolutions are those who want to stop engaging in criminal behavior but who have not yet been able to bring themselves to stop engaging in criminal behavior. 

“I vow that me and my friends will never again attempt three simultaneous Las Vegas casino robberies” is an excellent New Year’s resolution for a particular sort of ambivalent criminal. Another good one is, “I promise to stop visiting rural widows and trying to convince them that I pre-sold pricey Bibles to their departed husbands.”

“I promise to stop causing trouble with a capital T in midwestern towns where I pretend to be a band leader and music teacher” is one of my faves. 

If you are not a criminal and you really must make New Year’s resolutions, why not choose pledges that honor the good sense and keen judgment you already have? For example …

“I vow to continue not putting on wing suits and hitting the sides
of mountains.”

“I vow to continue not crawling into deep caves and getting trapped under 50 feet of rock for all eternity.”

“I vow to continue not being the sort of American tourist who thinks it’s his duty as an arrested adolescent to harass the King’s Guard, etch his name (or Instagram handle) on ancient monuments, mistreat flight attendants and try to take selfies with wild animals.”

“I promise never to call myself
an influencer. At least not with a straight face.”

“I promise never to learn parkour or try to learn it.”

“I promise never to buy a social media company and insult its biggest advertisers.”

“I promise never to slap someone in full view of 20 million people.” (Can be shortened to, “I promise never to slap someone.”)

“I vow never to go on national television and claim that I have
‘tiger blood.'”

“I promise never to create prank videos in which everyone involved is clearly in on the prank.” (Can be shortened to, “I promise never to create pranks videos.”)

“I promise never to convert a van, live in a van and make excruciatingly boring videos about living in a van. I promise never to make anyone I truly care about live in a van.”

You did your best in 2023 and you’ll do your best in 2024. Make a resolution not to feel pressured to improve yourself beyond your present fabulousness.